What is pain?

That's the question for the day. Friend of mine, in a futile attempt to make me run faster on the treadmill when my ankle was hurting pretty bad, said, "The difference between a successful man and a failure is the pain he can take." I find that flawed actually, unless he means that a flawed man takes a lot of pain before stopping because if you don't know when to stop, you're just going to kill yourself.


So now the question I pose was what is pain? After he said that, I was just thinking to myself, "Do you know what true pain is?" and the answer is, Yes I do. I'm sure I'm not the only one who went through this, but I have had the ones I love scream that they hated me, several times in fact. My father, at one point, even wished I was dead. It's kind of sad really that one had to hear it from his father. No child should ever have to hear it. Even at 18 years old, it brings tears to my eyes, remembering when he screamed at me.


You would think he'd call after a day or two to say he didn't mean it but no, he didn't. 2 weeks later, I sent him a father's day message. Although he didn't want me anymore but he was still my father and lo and behold he finally wants to talk to me. And he didn't even apologize! Seriously, what kind of a father hates his own son? Yes he may scream at him, scold him but that has always been out of love, but to wish him dead?


Whoops, a little off-topic here. Anyway, long story short, I hate my dad, down to my very core. It is that hatred that has led to my refusal to return home or to ever see him unless I have to. He tries to make amends by trying to buy my love but all I want is an apology. Or at least for him to tell me that he didn't mean what he said. More than 2 years I've waited for him to say it to me and he still hasn't.


So what is true pain? I don't think that pain can be measured at all. Like Picasso's works, pain is a very abstract concept. For some people, pain = physical, "oh my god the pain the pain" hurt while to others it's the cumulation of all the emotional and mental stress that comes with a broken heart or maybe a dissapointment or even when someone wishes you for dead. I was once on the brink of suicide; I was standing on my balcony, looking down and I was ready to jump but I didn't. Either it was cause I was afraid of it or could be that I just came to my senses in a brief moment of sanity in a crazy time but nonetheless I turned back from it.


So what ran through my mind while I was in the gym? "You don't know what true pain is! True pain is having your father wish you were dead, having a girlfriend who screamed that she hated you and turning your back on suicide. So if you think the measure of a successful man is by how much pain he can take, then you are wrong!" and I ran, I ran like the wind on that treadmill, the pain was so far away that I no longer felt it. My friend kept his mouth shut after I outpaced him.

His love interest (but not returned, don't worry man, you'll get her someday) saw the look in my eyes, asking if I was half dead. I now have the answer I should have given her in the first place: No, I never felt more alive. So what is true pain? It's the point in time when you realize that everything in your life has been for nought, when you feel useless and when you feel that darkness in your soul. It is when you've gone beyond this point and still live that you know what true pain really is.